HUNTED @ THE AVENUE GRILL I was sitting at the bar, waiting for the three unlucky participants who would be subjected to my demented ravings over dinner. I had ingested close to a gallon of Coke [Editor's Note: the soft drink] and smoked most of a pack of cigarettes in less than a half an hour while freaking out about the potential social fiasco that might take place this evening. I remember thinking things like, "What if I go on one of my uncontrollable rants in the middle of dinner?" "What if I'm waiting in the wrong restaurant?" "What if the winners are actually hit men hired by a restaurant I bashed into bankruptcy?" "What if this is all some cruel hoax designed to make me lose my failing grip on reality?" Stephanie showed up looking fabulous as always, shaking me from my downward spiral of fear and loathing. Since I was sitting in a cloud of cigarette smoke (which Steph hates so much that she carries a little battery powered fan to blast smokers with), we headed over to our table. Luckily Stephanie was a little more optimistic and realistic about the evening ahead of us. So after quelling the thought she might be a part of the conspiracy against me, I mellowed out a little and looked over the menu. We ordered drinks and talked a little shop: she told me a little about the book she's writing; I told her about the TV show I'm up for. I stopped mid-sentence as a man approached our table. He didn't look like a hit man sent by bitter restaurateurs he was casually dressed and seemed friendly enough but I was still cautious. I rose from my chair slowly and offered my hand, ready to dive under a table if he reached behind him. He shook my hand briefly introducing himself as Joel Solomon, then focused his attention on Stephanie. This made me relax quite a bit, realizing I probably wasn't in any danger, but it also made me a little bummed because I wasn't quite as important as I had thought! We shared a little small talk about this and that (he talked mostly with Steph but what guy could blame him?). Before long a tall attractive woman came toward the table looking directly at me and smiling. I smiled back for a moment then panicked! "Of course they would send a beautiful woman to throw me off guard!" I thought, wildly looking for an escape. Every episode of "Nikita" I had ever seen flashed through my mind. This is it, the headlines would read: 'Beloved food critic gunned down by unknown striking female assailant. ' The newsreels would say: 'Journalism suffered a tragic blow today when celebrated writer Bobby Black was gunned down by a hired hit woman. ' She extended her hand as she drew near. I accepted it, bracing myself for some sort of offensive attack or poison ring or something. Then everything went into slow motion, I heard someone in the bar laughing, a waiter asking someone if they needed anything, the clank of silverware É she was saying something É "focus man focus," I screamed inside my head. The words, "I'm Heidi Gehert, glad to meet you," made it through the panic induced fog clouding my brain. "No hit woman? No headlines? No moving epitaph? No, Bob, just too much caffeine again!" I thought as we sat down. My mind is like a bad neighborhood it's somewhere you shouldn't go alone. Once I had returned to reality the conversation at the table was light and interesting. Steph entertained us with journalistic highlights ranging from the penning of her first love letter at five years old to her radio talk show which led to her current position with Go-Go. Heidi, a linguistics major, shared some stories of college life and told us about her plans of heading for Europe for 11 months next year. Joel gave us some of his experiences as a fourth grade school teacher and of course admonished me about my poor grammar (story of my life). I, on the other hand, spent most of the evening turning the conversation back to my favorite subject, ME! I might not be much, but I'm all I talk about. After much talk about myself and a few other subjects we decided to order. Everything on the menu looked great and after much deliberation I settled on a Caesar salad to start oh, by the way, Steph insisted I tell you that the balsamic vinaigrette dressing was phenomenal! Then grilled prawns wrapped with panchetta and covered in BBQ sauce for an appetizer, which were almost beyond belief ... the only bummer was I could have eaten a couple dozen more! And for a main course, Atlantic salmon roasted with soy marinade topped with pureed ginger and pickled cucumbers. Accompanied by homemade roasted potatoes with, and I quote, "our fresh vegetable medley." I am proud to report I managed to fight off the urge to lick my or anyone else's plate! We had dessert family style ... that is to say, eating from one another's plates in a courteous fashion, not like my family members who wait until you're not looking then replace your ice cream with their uneaten broccoli. The parade of desserts went something like this: homemade gelato ice creams including dark chocolate fresh-minted coconut and vanilla bean, panacota, Jack Daniels chocolate bread pudding, and crème brulé. The baleful ringing of my cell phone interrupted the glucose-induced daze brought on by our sweet, creamy, liquored feeding frenzy. I would like to take a moment to apologize to our dinner guests and to diners everywhere for leaving my cell phone on at the table: very bad form! An emergency had arisen that would require my immediate attention, is the best way to put it, sparing you the details. (I remember a fairly famous actor saying, "Just because it happened to you, doesn't necessarily make it interesting.") All Rights Reserved © 2001 Go-Go Media, LLC