MASTERPIECE DINER @ ASSIGNMENTS RESTAURANT A white-haired man in a smoking jacket sits alone in a Queen Anne chair in a private library. The walls--those not obscured by mahogany bookcases-- are adorned with trophy heads and horns of various exotic animals. He spins the huge globe at his side then stops it with a gnarled but well manicured finger, pointing to a tiny spot in France. Taking up his pipe, he puffs gently and looks thoughtfully into the rising plume of smoke. He rises slowly and moves over to a bookcase, pulling down a large hardbound book. Settling back into his chair, he turns on a Tiffany reading lamp and places a monocle in front of his left eye as he opens the book. After leafing through a few pages he begins to read aloud as classical music mysteriously starts playing in the background. "The Loire Valley is the garden of France. The grand river Loire is France's greatest and has been the subject of legendary historical events for centuries. Home to many authors, poets, warriors, great leaders and more, this beautiful valley offers great food and wine marriages which have drawn legions of fans in history and in contemporary times as well. Loire Valley cuisine has been characterized as being that of everywhere and nowhere at once. Deemed simple, the food of Loire is simple yet diverse, full of fruits and vegetables, best eaten when least is done in preparation. Simplicity is valued above all other technique in Loire." The man stops reading, closes the book and looks up. Smiling slightly like a man who has accomplished some hidden agenda, he says, "Back to you, Bob," then nods. There I am, standing in front Assignments Restaurant, lights blaring, sound and cameras rolling. Starting toward the door, I carry on the intro in my best TV journalist voice, saying, "Thank you Colonel Mustard. We now invite you to travel with us to the great region of the Loire Valley-- home to kings and queens, vignerons and farmers, merchants and seafarers. The first in a series of Great Regions cuisine-- discovering the delights and delicacies of each region in a menu designed to explore wine and food parings prepared enthusiastically by the very capable culinary arts students of the Arts Institute of Colorado." The cue cards start to blur a little, then, as I turn to complain to the director, the lights, the soundman and the camera crew all dissolve right before me. Suddenly I am left at the door of the restaurant, staring into the face of a very confused but somewhat entertained young man in a bow tie. Reality comes crashing back down on me as I realize I have just given the best pitch of my career to a culinary student who has taken on the mantle of maitre d' for the evening. He kept his composure and cut through the uncomfortable silence by saying, very matter of factly, "Can I show you to your table, sir?" As if nothing out of the ordinary had happened at all (an A+ for professionalism). He sat me at a big roomy booth in the small but very classy dining room. The far wall was all glassed in, looking into the kitchen, kind of like a huge aquarium (an A for helping me understand what my fish feel like). Although the menu was titled in French, luckily there were English explanations for each dish. I decided on Salade de Saumon Fume' a l'aneth-- cold smoked salmon layered with shaved fennel and sweet cucumber-- for an appetizer. It rocked, even though there wasn't much of it. I wouldn't have known which end of a fennel to point at you before that night, but it's one of my faves now. For my salad I had Salade de Mache aux Champignons-- lamb's lettuce, cepes, porcini and field mushrooms tossed in crème frache and chives. All I know for sure is the difference between a chive and a mushroom, but nonetheless it was very good (A+ for making an otherwise simple dish seem very upper crust). On to the main course, Roti de Porc aux Prune, Brandy soaked Roast Loin of Pork with a Prune Demi-Glaze. Now, I've never considered dipping a pork chop in prune juice, but this was some of the best pig I had ever tasted! It was so tender I cut it with my fork! It was probably a very happy pig, a pig that was truly loved, maybe a free-range pig that was never told the nature of its existence. That's it! If I had never figured out that my existence was simply to entertain sadistic gods with my painful toiling, then I would not only be a kinder happier pig, but in the end I'd probably taste better (an A+ for stirring me to porcine philosophical reflection). Finally the moment I had been waiting for ... dessert. There were quite a few tableside preparation items on the menu, one of which was Flambé of the Evening-- Crèpe Suzette. I figured I had to have it so I could use my Bevis imitation and chant "FIRE, FIRE, FIRE," as they torched my desert. The fire was awesome and the desert was even better (an automatic A for setting anything on fire inside a building, would have been an A+ if the waiter was wearing Gene Simmons makeup). Then to top it all off, after the other diners had left, a couple of the students came out to show off some of their tattoos. It turns out that just under the smooth polished veneer of culinary professionalism there lurks some very impressive ink! A+ Thanks to whoever wrote all that cool Loire Valley stuff for the front of the menu so I could sound like I actually knew something about it! All Rights Reserved © 2001 Go-Go Media, LLC